


The Missing Link

by stew (julie)



Category: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension (1984)
Genre: Communication Failure, Misunderstandings, Multi, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1990-11-20
Updated: 1990-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:06:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22285327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julie/pseuds/stew
Summary: A three-way relationship probably has triple the complications…
Relationships: Buckaroo Banzai/Peggy Banzai/Rawhide





	The Missing Link

**Author's Note:**

> **First published:** in my zine “Samurai Errant: Cavalier Tales Quixotic and Profane” #4 on 20 November 1990

# The Missing Link

♦

_Surely Buckaroo never reads in bed when Peggy’s here_. Rawhide lay still, eyes closed, a tiny smile playing on his lips. It had been maybe half an hour since Buckaroo had climbed in beside him and started to work his way through an entire chapter of Hikita’s draft physics text. _Patience is a virtue_ … Now, if Peggy was there, Rawhide mused, she wouldn’t lie still for this. _Whaddaya think this futon’s **for** , Dr. Banzai, huh?_

Rawhide resettled himself. It was odd to lie in the middle of their bed, right next to Buckaroo – that was Peggy’s spot. But in her absence, it had felt even odder to be an arm’s length away from the other third of his love life. _Only six weeks of this, being a couple_. To tell the truth, Rawhide had no complaints about being left alone with Buckaroo for a while, though he was missing Peggy like half his heart had been torn out of him. Buckaroo and Peggy had had six months alone together – before they had found themselves in the middle of a _ménage à trois_ , and Rawhide had often felt like a latecomer, an interloper in their established relationship. The chance to strengthen one of his links to them was something to be taken advantage of. 

Eventually Buckaroo pulled off his glasses, wearily massaged the bridge of his nose, put his glasses and the text aside, and turned off the bedside lamp. He’d barely slid down to the mattress when Rawhide gathered him up.

_Sheer perfection_ , was Rawhide’s only coherent thought for some time. Buckaroo, quiescent in his strong embrace, was the promise to be fulfilled, the sweet beer at the end of a dry day, the Grail at the end of the quest. With joy, Rawhide applied all his skill, all his knowledge to completing that quest. 

So unutterably compelling – the body he loved both strong and fragile in its beauty – Buckaroo’s limbs heavy and unresponsive though capable of so much. Rawhide welcomed the challenge of raising a storm of passion in such a passive lover. 

When Buckaroo suddenly groaned and lifted his arms around Rawhide’s shoulders, when he began to feverishly respond to Rawhide’s kisses, then Rawhide truly believed himself the most blessed creature on earth. _And usually doubly blessed_. It was the oddest thing not to have Peggy there. Buckaroo would have been loving her right now, would have been getting his kicks from her happy and enthusiastic responses, the three of them all tangled up together, rolling and wrestling from one end of the bed to the other. At least it was never far to fall off a futon. 

‘Rawhide!’ Buckaroo sounded somehow surprised. The other man grinned – it appeared that the results of his efforts had been as exquisite as intended. And then the sweet denouement, Buckaroo languorous, letting Rawhide take his own pleasure. _Blessed a hundredfold_. 

#

‘Last chapter?’ Rawhide asked, leaning up on one elbow as Buckaroo put Hikita’s text away. 

‘Yes – and it was fascinating. Worthy of all his efforts.’ Buckaroo grinned before turning out the lamp. ‘You want to read it next?’ 

‘I can think of other things I’d rather do right now,’ Rawhide murmured in reply. Buckaroo lay next to him, so close yet not touching. Rawhide reached out a hand to pull his lover to him. And stopped. 

His hand hovered over Buckaroo’s waist for a long moment, and then he fell back to his own place on the bed. _I’ve hidden from it all this time_. Beside him, Buckaroo waited a moment before settling comfortably. ‘Goodnight, Rawhide.’ 

‘Goodnight,’ Rawhide found the voice to say. He gazed unseeing at the ceiling. _I could simply lean over and take him now. And he would let himself be taken, but has never given himself freely._ The simple fact that Buckaroo had not once initiated their lovemaking, previously lost in the distracting tangle of Peggy’s limbs, was so startlingly obvious without her. So profound, the implications. Such an eloquent illustration of the real state of their relationship. 

Rawhide lay unmoving in the bed he shared with his lovers, cold to the core.

#

‘What’s wrong, Rawhide?’ 

For a few nights, Rawhide had felt Buckaroo pause before sleeping, waiting for an advance that never came. So frustrating, knowing that Rawhide could cause them both such satisfaction, despite the fact that it would be little more than a permitted assault on his friend. 

Even now, with Buckaroo’s blue, surprisingly vulnerable eyes meeting his, it would be so easy… _‘Nothing’s wrong, my friend, I love you,’ and draw him into your arms, so pliant to your needs._

‘Nothing’s wrong,’ Rawhide muttered, turning back to his desk in Administration. Shuffling papers and not fooling Buckaroo for a moment. 

‘It’s been a long while since I’ve seen you so unhappy,’ Buckaroo said. ‘About eighteen months, in fact.’ 

‘Uh huh.’ Rawhide pulled the brim of his hat down a little further. 

‘Peggy had a solution then –’

‘Better talk to her when she gets back, then.’ 

‘That’s almost four weeks away, my friend.’ Buckaroo gently forced Rawhide to look up at him again. ‘What do we do until then?’ 

‘She has a stake in this, too.’ 

‘I know,’ Buckaroo said. ‘But I don’t want you hurting all that time. If there is anything that I can do or say –’ 

‘No.’ And Rawhide bitterly watched the hurt grow in Buckaroo’s face. Too cruel to have to shut him out like this, too unfair that Buckaroo should have to suffer for Rawhide’s mistakes. ‘Look, it’s just that if we want to make this work, then Peggy has to be involved. The two of us can’t work things out alone, because she’s a part of it.’ 

‘You’re right, of course,’ Buckaroo said. And then he wistfully asked, ‘Will you still sleep in our bed tonight?’ 

‘And where else would I sleep?’ Rawhide asked with a hint of dry humor. And they offered each other a tentative smile. 

That night, as Rawhide lay quiet in the darkness, Buckaroo reached out to touch him, as unexpected as a lightning bolt. Tears in his eyes, Rawhide gathered his friend up, and they slept close in each other’s arms. 

#

‘Buckaroo!’ Peggy cried out as he swept her up into his arms. ‘Sweetheart.’ And then she had no breath for endearments, for he crushed her to him with all his strength. 

When he finally let her go, Rawhide, who had been hovering in the background, came forward for a hug of his own. ‘Welcome back, angel,’ he murmured. 

‘I’ve missed you guys, let me tell you. Next time I’m going to be selfish and take one of you with me – if not both!’ 

‘We’ve missed you, too, Pegs,’ Rawhide said. 

‘So why weren’t you at the airport? If I wasn’t so happy to see you again, I’d probably kill you both. Sending Tad to pick me up, indeed! Much as I adore the guy…’ Her grumbles faded first to a forgiving smile, and then to uncertainty as the silence continued. 

‘I’m sorry, Peggy.’ Rawhide tried to find the words for an explanation, but how could he say they had neither of them wanted to face her, either alone or together, until the last possible moment? They hadn’t discussed it, of course, just mutually cringed at the thought of admitting to her – 

‘Something’s wrong, isn’t it?’ She looked from one hurt and guilty face to the other. Both of them avoiding each other’s sight or touch or voice as if any contact would lacerate unhealed wounds. Avoiding each other’s space, even the air they breathed. And neither of them answered her. ‘What is it?’ Peggy insisted. 

‘We have to talk,’ Rawhide finally said; ‘the three of us.’

Buckaroo added – and he had never sounded so helpless – ‘We waited until you got back.’ 

‘All right, so let’s talk.’ Peggy led the way upstairs to their room, stony-faced. _It’s not over, it can’t be over, I won’t let it be. Why did I ever leave?_ And the three stood uncomfortably facing each other as far apart as the room would allow. ‘So tell me.’ 

‘I’ve decided,’ Rawhide began quickly, clumsily. ‘I’ve decided over the past weeks, I have to quit this, I have to leave you both.’ 

Peggy stared at him for a long moment. ‘What do you mean – our relationship, or the Institute?’ 

‘The relationship. And the Institute, too, if I have to.’ 

Looking for Buckaroo’s reaction, Peggy found that he had turned away to gaze out the window at the Institute grounds. ‘Why?’ Peggy asked. 

‘Don’t ask me why,’ Rawhide said. ‘There’s no use discussing it. I’m just calling it off, I want you two to go on without me.’ 

‘You can’t do this without telling us why.’

Buckaroo said sadly, still facing away from them, ‘When you suggested we wait for Peggy, I thought you meant that we could resolve this. I thought we might all go on together.’ 

‘I’ve realized since then that it can’t work. I’m sorry – Lord, I’m sorry! It’s been the best time of my life. But it’s also been an illusion.’ 

‘What the hell do you mean by that?’ Peggy cried out furiously, startling both men. ‘ _What’s_ been an illusion?’ 

Buckaroo walked over to her, and pulled her into his arms. ‘Love, don’t yell at him. He hurts enough already.’ 

‘Don’t either of you expect me to be calm and rational about losing what we’ve had together. Buckaroo, if you can just stand back and let Rawhide go, without even asking for a word of explanation, then I don’t even know you anymore. I don’t understand this – what’s got into you both?’ 

‘There are some explanations I don’t want to hear,’ Buckaroo said quietly to her. He bent his head, resting his forehead against hers. ‘Don’t make him say it.’ 

‘So you know the reason,’ Peggy replied, ‘but I have to know, too. And maybe there is a solution – we found one together last time we were unhappy. You can’t ask me not to hope, dearheart.’ 

Buckaroo let Peggy go, and sank down to sit close by her. The silence stretched on for a while, as Rawhide began to realize that he would have to provide some excuse, some half-truth. Slowly he began, ‘It’s not going to work between Buckaroo and me – being lovers, I mean. It’s been wrong from the start. I think it would be best for all of us to just call it quits now.’ 

Beside her, Buckaroo gazed away from them both, his face pinched and pale, giving Peggy no indication of whether he agreed with Rawhide’s statements or not. She asked, ‘If it’s been so wrong, how come we’ve all been so happy? Rawhide, it’s been a year and a half now, and it’s worked fine.’ 

‘An illusion,’ Rawhide whispered. And he knew that the reasons were not his to give. Besides which, the way he felt right now, he’d probably wail it out like a sulky, snotty-nosed brat: _He doesn’t love me!_ Instead Rawhide said, ‘Buckaroo knows what it is. If he doesn’t choose to say it, Peggy, then let it be, let me go.’ 

‘Please, it has to be said. You two have already been hurt by it – and I’ll be hurt more by not knowing. Won’t one of you tell me?’ 

After a moment, Buckaroo at last started stumbling through an explanation. ‘The past few weeks, I’ve grown to realize, Rawhide, that you do not love me as a lover. But I cannot believe we can’t be friends any longer – we were always friends before anything else. If there’s any way we can continue… There’s enough love between us, surely… The link is as strong even if you and I are not actually lovers.’

Peggy shook her head. ‘No, that’s not possible.’ 

‘What isn’t?’ Buckaroo cried out. ‘Why not?’ As he looked at each of them, his despair was evident. Rawhide turned away. Peggy knelt to run her hands over Buckaroo’s face, through his hair. ‘I don’t want to lose this. Rawhide, if you could stand to continue, under any circumstances, any conditions you want to set…’ 

‘How can you think Rawhide doesn’t love you? Why on earth would you think that?’ 

‘You haven’t been here, darling,’ Buckaroo said gently. ‘It was the only conclusion I could come to that made any sense.’ 

‘Sense?! What’s been happening?’ 

‘Maybe he’s right,’ Rawhide said quietly. 

‘I don’t believe it for a moment. Rawhide, tell me the truth.’ 

‘Don’t push it, Peggy.’ 

‘No, it has to be said, for all our sakes. We can’t be anything if we’re not honest with each other.’ 

‘Then don’t you remember our first night together?’ Rawhide burst out before he could second-guess himself. ‘I knew Buckaroo only let me make love to him because we asked him to and he wouldn’t refuse us. It’s been the same ever since.’ 

‘Are you saying that I don’t love you?’ Buckaroo asked in amazement. ‘I love you as much as I ever have!’ 

‘But never as a lover,’ Rawhide said. ‘You can’t deny that.’

Confused, Buckaroo protested, ‘I love you making love to me. I love the three of us making love together.’ 

‘I don’t think that’s true, but it’s not exactly what I meant, either.’ 

Peggy broke in – ‘How can either of you think these things? What on earth happened between you?’ 

‘Nothing happened,’ Buckaroo said. ‘While you were gone, the illusion just… wore off.’ 

‘Nothing happened,’ Rawhide echoed. 

There was silence again between them. 

‘You can’t just end it like that,’ Peggy finally pleaded. ‘The three of us – it’s the most precious thing in any of our lives. It’s not enough for me to have you both still loving me, I need you to love each other too – and I know that you do. It’s crazy to hear you doubting each other. _Please_ let us try to sort this out.’ 

But Rawhide seemed both unwilling and unable to say anything further. 

Eventually Buckaroo asked him, ‘Why don’t you think I love you making love to me?’ 

Rawhide let out something halfway between a laugh and a sob. ‘Listen to yourself!’ he forced out. ‘ _Make love to you_ – that’s all it ever was. Not once have you made love to me. Not once have you made love _with_ me. Can’t you see that? That’s how you feel, and I’ve hidden from it long enough.’ 

Buckaroo looked bewildered. ‘But what has that got to do with anything? I like what we do together. It doesn’t mean anything more than that.’ 

‘Don’t you try to belittle it – I’m not a fool. You never meant for us to be lovers in the first place.’ 

‘That was innocence, not… aversion.’ 

‘Look me in the eyes and tell me that again. _Not aversion_. I’ve been assaulting you for eighteen months now, and I could call it worse. Don’t lie to me about it. I couldn’t _stand_ one more lie.’ And Rawhide’s unfallen tears choked him up. 

Buckaroo slowly stood and walked over to his friend. Carefully, he lifted shaking hands and placed them one on either side of the man’s waist. ‘Please, my dearest, listen to me,’ he whispered. ‘You must trust me, you must believe that I have never lied to you, I have always loved you.’ 

‘No,’ Rawhide moaned, trying to turn away from the piercing blue eyes. 

‘What we do together in bed, the two of us, the three of us – I love it. And I don’t know any different. I never thought of changing what we do, because it’s so good, every time it’s like… maybe there really is a heaven. If I’d had the faintest idea you wanted me to – But I _do_ know now. We’re going to make this right again, Rawhide.’ 

The other man nodded once, his face still set. 

‘But you must please trust me. You have to tell me what you want. Even after all this time, I’m still learning.’ 

‘Slow learner,’ Rawhide grumbled. He heard Peggy’s quiet laugh, and found a smile for her. ‘I’m sorry, both of you. So sorry. I’m a fool.’ 

‘No,’ they both protested. ‘Well, maybe,’ Peggy added. ‘But the nicest kind of fool.’ 

And Buckaroo carefully slid his hands and arms around Rawhide, and kissed him on the mouth.

Peggy put her arms around both men. ‘You two stay here,’ she said. ‘Buckaroo, you make him feel as good as he always makes you feel, OK?’ 

‘Where are you off to?’ Buckaroo asked. 

‘I’m going to leave you two alone right now. We sorted it out between us, like we had to – but the problem was only between you two. Prove to each other that the problem no longer exists.’ 

‘But, Peggy…’ Rawhide protested, ‘we can’t leave you out of this.’ 

‘We have tonight, don’t’ we? Remember I’ve been missing you both for six weeks now – you think I’m going to let you make love with each other once I’ve got you in bed? I’m far too greedy right now.’ She smiled at them. ‘Heal the hurt between you,’ she asked; ‘then from tonight, we can truly be a threesome again.’ And she backed out the door before they had time for further protests. 

‘She’s some lady,’ Rawhide observed. As he looked back around, Buckaroo’s lips met his with shocking intensity. But Rawhide broke away – ‘Shouldn’t we go bring her back? We waited so long for her, after all.’ 

‘No, she was right. How can we give her what she needs tonight, if I don’t give you what you need now?’ 

Rawhide shrugged. ‘Hell, you’ll get no further arguments from me.’ And he happily surrendered to Buckaroo’s provocative kisses. 

#

Peggy lay superbly contented between her two lovers. ‘We’ll have to think of a name for this, you know.’ 

‘A name for what?’ 

‘Our relationship, our _ménage à trois_. We kept referring to it as “it” all afternoon. Not very poetic.’ 

‘How about our arrangement?’ 

‘Too cold.’ 

‘Our menagerie?’ 

‘Closer.’ 

‘Our holding company.’ 

The three dissolved into giggles. ‘True, but still unpoetic.’ 

Buckaroo said, ‘Our marriage.’ 

‘Yes,’ Peggy whispered. ‘That’s how it is.’ 

‘I’ll be in that,’ Rawhide agreed. ‘Though we’d have a hell of a time making it legal.’ 

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Peggy mused. ‘Trot on down to Las Vegas, marry one of you in the morning and the other in the afternoon…’ 

‘And how many years in the slammer is it for bigamy? _And_ how do I get to marry Buckaroo?’ 

‘It’s official,’ said Buckaroo, ‘because that’s simply how it is. Just tell me you agree.’ 

‘I do,’ said Peggy. 

‘Sure thing,’ said Rawhide. 

‘Then I now pronounce us… spouse, spouse and spouse.’ 

‘That makes us three spice, I suppose.’ 

‘Oh, very poetic.’ 

Buckaroo growled at the sarcasm, and proceeded to celebrate his wedding night. The other two made no further protests at all.

♦


End file.
